If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
