can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.