I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
