You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
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