I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Sober January is a disaster.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
