saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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