i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
