you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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