I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.