We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
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I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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