Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
4 words: hood of his car
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
