Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
