The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
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Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.