I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
