When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
