He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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