Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.