I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The Olympian is in my bed
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize