I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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