I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
