Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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