I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My friends, they love my intelligence
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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