My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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