My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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