mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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