I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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