the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
