I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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