help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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