I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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