enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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