There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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