Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
