I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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