i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
