ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
