After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
