i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it wasn't lemon gatorade
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
