I wish I could teleport
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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