Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize