I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
dude i'm inner monologue high
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
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I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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