I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
