I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
