i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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