Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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