dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
