My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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