why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
