after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
