He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
