i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff