I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.