i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm at about main and main street
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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