well I can't set my house on fire every night
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
