apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You made out with two different species that night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
